Regrets3

At some point in life when we are little free from our main responsibilities, we go back in time and try to assess or to evaluate our actions of the past and find that we could have done certain things in a different and better way or some times feel guilty that why we did not  do a certain thing or did a certain thing. Not all of us do this kind of assessment or do it judiciously. Though it is too late to do such assessments as you can not reverse the action and there is no use regretting for your actions in the past but, I fell that still useful for the young generations to learn from our mistakes before it is too late for them.Any way, I do and get disappointed and feel guilty that why I did not know that then.. Reasons could be:
(1) when we are children, our perception is limited as our exposure, experience and knowledge even understanding are limited, no concept or do not think as what we should do.We are mostly guided by our parents, mentors and teachers etc; so no regrets as such for our actions;
(2) when student, trying to build the career, hardly any time to evaluate our actions, though we make certain corrections to our decisions and actions at time to time according to the circumstances, still little scope to do much; Our focus is somewhere else and psychological built up is different and hence the orientation is different.
(3) when young, pursuing the career and looking after the family, we have plenty of things where we could have made certain corrections to make our lives better but the situation and circumstances are quite complicated and our orientation is different for the self, family and the society; do not give serious thought about several things and have regrets later in life.
Certainly , these are very personal and individual considerations even later in the life. I have several things to consider. Here is one about my teachers of childhood who laid the foundation of my career and life. my first teacher pre-primary school education , Pandit Shiv Prashad ji from Chandpur was one of them; Munshi Haider Ali of KG class, used to take care of very seriously, used to make our pen to write on Takhti; Munshi Makhan Lal ji of class one teacher, Munshi Ram Chandra Mal and Munshi Fateh Ulddin of Class three were very good teachers, teaching us as to their own children, very dedicated. We forgot them completely for long time, rather than doing any thing for them by giving them some gifts; they were financially poor people, could have supported them financially a little bit or could have done some thing for their children. We ( many of our classmates and seniors and juniors ) completely missed that opportunity to serve them in any way. I feel sorry about it and wish to point out to the young ones to think early about it before it is too late. Though I understand that now a days education is getting more formalized and personal teacher-student relationship, care and interest are gradually diminishing..
To compensate this and to satisfy myself, I am seriously considering to initiate some scholarships in their name and to honour  them from my small savings.

Regrets2

Decisions and actions change from time to time according to individual's circumstances- conditioning according to environment, perception ( knowledge and understanding ) , experience , exposure , priorities and many other social, religious and economic factors; At every distinct stage of life when you evaluate and assess your past, you feel that you could have done this or you should have done that or you would have done a particular thing in some other way. Every sensible person may realize this kind of situation at various stages of life . It is quite normal for every person.In fact it  just happens to be like that unknowingly  because of our ignorance and negligence or being busy with different perspectives and priorities; do not think to give back something to them who so rightly deserve though never demand or expect anything from us. Even to day , I may not be knowing as what I am supposed to do.  I wish if there are some standard guidelines available at the appropriate time to all of us in the society.
In my retirement when I look back at my past, I do realize that for my ignorance, negligence , inexperience or different priorities at particular time, I could not do certain things which I would have done. I would like to mention  a few of my regrets of life here: your comments are most welcome;

1. My maternal grandmother ( my nani ) was the person with whom I spent the core of my life , 1950 to 1955; I have separately written my thoughts about her. I can never forget for her care, and love for me. It appears to me now as she was born to take care of me and my other siblings. I owe to her. I can never be free from her debt she left on me. I regret that I could not do anything for her; She died too early , I was not even settled properly in my career and life. Perhaps, I was unable to realize, understand to do anything for her at that time.I carry this regret every day with me.

2. My Mentor- My college Principal, Shri C S Sinha; We had special relationship, may be from our previous lives. He was very kind, caring and loving person. He gave away everything he had for the academic cause and the development of the College. He retired with nothing with him, any money, assets , house or any such thing as his saving to live in his retirement. I wonder as how he lived rest of the life. Once, in 1968 after a long break of time, he wrote me a letter mentioning his pitiable condition of living; living only with two sets of shirts and payajama and with meager earning by giving private tuition; further mentioned that families where he goes to give tuition, taunted behind his back that what kind of MA( London )  and DIC , he is ? and what kind of Principal he was as he was observed wearing only two sets of cloths for long time and too not properly washed and ironed; He requested me to send Rs.50/- so that he may get another set of cloths. I did sent him Rs. 100/ instead of Rs.50/- but never asked again if he needed my help in any way. I should have asked him again and again if he needed my help; rather realizing his situation, I shoud have supported without his asking. I feel very sorry  about my negligence.

3. My father; My father died as a pauper leaving almost nothing behind; a few cloths, no money rather some debt; died because of poor health; When he died, I could not cry but felt guilty that I did not take proper care of my father especially his health mainly due to his financial bankruptcy. I took care of his responsibility like education of my younger brothers; marriage of my sisters especially almost 100% of my youngest sister Rajo but could not take care for his personal health and other aspects. I would have done it as my own responsibility
.
4. My Grandmother- mother of Om Prakash (OMI) and Krishan Kumar; She was poorest of us; I saw her living only with a few dirty and most used cloths even on festivities also, she did not have some thing nice to wear. Though at times, I helped her financially but why I could not help her materially with small things like some new saries or even some good used ones. Sushma shares my regret that why we could not think in this direction. Time has gone; She has also gone and now what is the use to think about it.

5. My neighbours like Shri Ram Narain, Shri Gharib Das, who were so loving and caring for me. I never thought anything to do for them; they have been haunting me every day since long; I wonder why such thought of doing something did not come to my mind when they were alive and I was in a position to do something. They would have been so happy even for the smallest gift for them.

6. Others; There are people who love us and care for us without expecting anything in return; During our active life, we simply forget to think about them; NARAIN is one who comes to my mind, our block servant in Braucha Hostel, BHU; was so affectionate and caring that without even my noticing , he will take care of my personal things, cleaning the room, washing the room, giving cloths to washer man etc; reminding to get up early in the morning; I remember one of his typical comment: " Sahib Uthiye,nahi tau exam ke time par rikshaw mangwai : Sorry about him; I did nothing for him like most students who might have not done also anything for him; Master SHIV PRASAD; my childhood teacher in Chandpur , very strict ; used to even beat me on my fingers but bent upon that I must learn; I used to take tuition with him at home as well as in his small place where he used to teach some other children also; I very often remember him for his personal interest in me though it was there for all his students. I owe to him as I did not do anything in return for him.

REGRETS in Life:

Reproduced from Dr. Kehinde Ayeni's writing his personal experience working with patients;

Kehinde Ayeni
Top Five Regrets of The Dying December 1, 2011 By T Kelly 96 Comments By Bronnie Ware on November 30, 2011 For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five: 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it. 2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose