Regrets2

Decisions and actions change from time to time according to individual's circumstances- conditioning according to environment, perception ( knowledge and understanding ) , experience , exposure , priorities and many other social, religious and economic factors; At every distinct stage of life when you evaluate and assess your past, you feel that you could have done this or you should have done that or you would have done a particular thing in some other way. Every sensible person may realize this kind of situation at various stages of life . It is quite normal for every person.In fact it  just happens to be like that unknowingly  because of our ignorance and negligence or being busy with different perspectives and priorities; do not think to give back something to them who so rightly deserve though never demand or expect anything from us. Even to day , I may not be knowing as what I am supposed to do.  I wish if there are some standard guidelines available at the appropriate time to all of us in the society.
In my retirement when I look back at my past, I do realize that for my ignorance, negligence , inexperience or different priorities at particular time, I could not do certain things which I would have done. I would like to mention  a few of my regrets of life here: your comments are most welcome;

1. My maternal grandmother ( my nani ) was the person with whom I spent the core of my life , 1950 to 1955; I have separately written my thoughts about her. I can never forget for her care, and love for me. It appears to me now as she was born to take care of me and my other siblings. I owe to her. I can never be free from her debt she left on me. I regret that I could not do anything for her; She died too early , I was not even settled properly in my career and life. Perhaps, I was unable to realize, understand to do anything for her at that time.I carry this regret every day with me.

2. My Mentor- My college Principal, Shri C S Sinha; We had special relationship, may be from our previous lives. He was very kind, caring and loving person. He gave away everything he had for the academic cause and the development of the College. He retired with nothing with him, any money, assets , house or any such thing as his saving to live in his retirement. I wonder as how he lived rest of the life. Once, in 1968 after a long break of time, he wrote me a letter mentioning his pitiable condition of living; living only with two sets of shirts and payajama and with meager earning by giving private tuition; further mentioned that families where he goes to give tuition, taunted behind his back that what kind of MA( London )  and DIC , he is ? and what kind of Principal he was as he was observed wearing only two sets of cloths for long time and too not properly washed and ironed; He requested me to send Rs.50/- so that he may get another set of cloths. I did sent him Rs. 100/ instead of Rs.50/- but never asked again if he needed my help in any way. I should have asked him again and again if he needed my help; rather realizing his situation, I shoud have supported without his asking. I feel very sorry  about my negligence.

3. My father; My father died as a pauper leaving almost nothing behind; a few cloths, no money rather some debt; died because of poor health; When he died, I could not cry but felt guilty that I did not take proper care of my father especially his health mainly due to his financial bankruptcy. I took care of his responsibility like education of my younger brothers; marriage of my sisters especially almost 100% of my youngest sister Rajo but could not take care for his personal health and other aspects. I would have done it as my own responsibility
.
4. My Grandmother- mother of Om Prakash (OMI) and Krishan Kumar; She was poorest of us; I saw her living only with a few dirty and most used cloths even on festivities also, she did not have some thing nice to wear. Though at times, I helped her financially but why I could not help her materially with small things like some new saries or even some good used ones. Sushma shares my regret that why we could not think in this direction. Time has gone; She has also gone and now what is the use to think about it.

5. My neighbours like Shri Ram Narain, Shri Gharib Das, who were so loving and caring for me. I never thought anything to do for them; they have been haunting me every day since long; I wonder why such thought of doing something did not come to my mind when they were alive and I was in a position to do something. They would have been so happy even for the smallest gift for them.

6. Others; There are people who love us and care for us without expecting anything in return; During our active life, we simply forget to think about them; NARAIN is one who comes to my mind, our block servant in Braucha Hostel, BHU; was so affectionate and caring that without even my noticing , he will take care of my personal things, cleaning the room, washing the room, giving cloths to washer man etc; reminding to get up early in the morning; I remember one of his typical comment: " Sahib Uthiye,nahi tau exam ke time par rikshaw mangwai : Sorry about him; I did nothing for him like most students who might have not done also anything for him; Master SHIV PRASAD; my childhood teacher in Chandpur , very strict ; used to even beat me on my fingers but bent upon that I must learn; I used to take tuition with him at home as well as in his small place where he used to teach some other children also; I very often remember him for his personal interest in me though it was there for all his students. I owe to him as I did not do anything in return for him.

Radhe Krishna

स्वर्ग में विचरण करते हुए अचानक एक दुसरे के सामने आ गए

🐉🐉🐉
विचलित से कृष्ण ,

प्रसन्नचित सी राधा...

💕💕💕
कृष्ण सकपकाए, राधा मुस्काई

इससे पहले कृष्ण कुछ कहते ,राधा बोल उठी "कैसे हो द्वारकाधीश ?"

जो राधा उन्हें कान्हा कान्हा कह के बुलाती थी उसके मुख से द्वारकाधीश का संबोधन कृष्ण को भीतर तक घायल कर गया फिर भी किसी तरहअपने आप को संभाल लिया.....और बोले राधा से मै तो तुम्हारे लिए आज भी कान्हा हूँ तुम तो द्वारकाधीश मत कहो!आओ बैठते है ....कुछ मै अपनी कहता हूँ कुछ तुम अपनी कहो सच कहूँ राधा जब जब भी तुम्हारी याद आती थीइन आँखों से आँसुओं की बुँदे निकल आती थी बोली राधा ,मेरे साथ ऐसा कुछ नहीं हुआ ना तुम्हारी याद आई ना कोई आंसू बहा क्यूंकि हम तुम्हे कभी भूले ही कहाँ थे जो तुम याद आते इन आँखों में सदा 

तुम रहते थे कहीं आँसुओं के साथ निकल ना जाओ इसलिए रोते भी नहीं थे प्रेम के अलग होने पर तुमने क्या खोया इसका इक आइना दिखाऊं आपको ?कुछ कडवे सच ,प्रश्न सुन पाओ तो सुनाऊ? कभी सोचा इस तरक्की में तुम कितने पिछड़ गए यमुना के मीठे पानी से जिंदगी शुरू की

और समुन्द्र के खारे पानी तक पहुच गए ?

एक ऊँगली पर चलने वाले सुदर्शन चक्र पर भरोसा कर लिया और दसों उँगलियों पर चलने वाळी बांसुरी को भूल गए कान्हा जब तुम 

प्रेम से जुड़े थे तो ....जो ऊँगली गोवर्धन पर्वत उठाकर लोगों को विनाश से बचाती थी प्रेम से अलग होने पर वही ऊँगली क्या क्या रंग 

दिखाने लगी सुदर्शन चक्र उठाकर विनाश के काम आने लगी

💥💥💥💥
कान्हा और द्वारकाधीश में क्या फर्क होता है बताऊँ कान्हा होते तो तुम सुदामा के घर जाते सुदामा तुम्हारे घर नहीं आता

💥💥
युद्ध में और प्रेम में यही तो फर्क होता है

💥💥💥💥
युद्ध में आप मिटाकर जीतते हैं

और प्रेम में आप मिटकर जीतते हैं

कान्हा प्रेम में डूबा हुआ आदमी दुखी तो रह सकता है पर किसी को दुःख नहीं देताआप तो कई कलाओं के स्वामी हो स्वप्न दूर द्रष्टा हो

गीता जैसे ग्रन्थ के दाता हो पर आपने क्या निर्णय किया अपनी पूरी सेना कौरवों को सौंप दी? और अपने आपको पांडवों के साथ कर लिया

सेना तो आपकी प्रजा थी राजा तो पालक होता है उसका रक्षक होता हैआप जैसा महा ज्ञानी उस रथ को चला रहा था जिस पर बैठा अर्जुन

आपकी प्रजा को ही मार रहा था आपनी प्रजा को मरते देख आपमें करूणा नहीं जगी क्यूंकि आप प्रेम से शून्य हो चुके थे आज भी धरती 

पर जाकर देखो अपनी द्वारकाधीश वाळी छवि को ढूंढते रह जाओगे हर घर हर मंदिर में मेरे साथ ही  खड़े नजर आओगे

🐉
आज भी मै मानती हूँ लोग गीता के ज्ञान की बात करते हैं उनके महत्व की बात करते है मगर धरती के लोग युद्ध वाले द्वारकाधीश. 

पर नहीं प्रेम वाले कान्हा पर भरोसा करते हैं गीता में मेरा दूर दूर तक नाम भी नहीं है पर आज भी लोग उसके समापन पर

" राधे राधे" करते है
🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒

Wisdom

" The endless cycles of idea and action; endless invention, endless experiment, Bring knowledge of motion, but not of stillness; Knowledge of speech but not of silence; knowledge of words and ignorance of the word...,..;Where is the life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? where is the knowledge we have lost in information?  "                                T.S.Eliot

Stonewalling2

There is another kind of stonewalling where an individual is supposed to act but does not act; supposed to react but does not react; should express but does not express; should advise or give opinion but does not do; That means  that what an individual must do but does not do intentionally.
This kind of erratic social behaviour of an individual makes him to loose the trust of the community, group or the family in which he lives. Individual can not establish a good and effective social network. It deprives the individual to develop Social Capital and later Spiritual Capital. An individual is unable to develop some good Traits: Social and Spiritual especially EMPATHY.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the worst thing in social communication, and even worse in the family. Stony expression and silence mean icy distance- devastating to the health of relationships, especially if it is habitual. Stonewallers may be called  , गम मत्थान , चुप्पी साधक etc. In stonewalling , an individual creates a communication block or barrier by not participating in conversation , considering other members as inferior or superior or irrelevant to talk to ; does not cooperate or participate in conversation or discussion  ( a kind of refusal or avoidance  to communicate ); or use deflation in conversation in order to render a conversation meaningless, pointless or insignificant; gives vague answers if asked any questions ( eg; I do not know; I do not remember etc.) or ask question for a question; some times change the subjects abruptly; This kind of unwanted behavior of an individual causes conflict, unpleasantness, confusion, misunderstanding and anger among the people of the social group or the family. People start living in isolation from each other and doing things in their own way. For healthy relationships, social communication should be very open and effective.

EMOTION

EMOTION is defined as " Any agitation or disturbance of mind , feeling, passion, any vehement or excited mental state ".
A feeling and its distinctive thoughts, psychological and biological states ,and range of propensities to act.
There are hundreds of emotions, along with their blends, variations, mutations, and nuances. The main candidates and some of the members of their families:
ANGER: fury, outrage, resentment, wrath, exasperation, indignation, vexation, acrimony, animosity, annoyance, irritability, hostility, and, perhaps at the extreme, pathological hatred and violence.
SADNESS: grief, sorrow, cheerlessness, gloom, melancholy, self-pity, loneliness, dejection, despair, and, when pathological, severe depression.
FEAR: anxiety, apprehension, nervousness,concern, consternation, misgiving, wariness, qualm, edginess, dread, fright, terror, as a psychopathology, phobia, and panic.
ENJOYMENT: happiness, joy, relief, contentment, bliss, delight, amusement, pride, sensual, pleasure, thrill, rapture, gratification, satisfaction, euphoria, whimsy, ecstasy, and at the far edge, mania;
LOVE: acceptance, friendliness, trust, kindness, affinity, devotion, adoration, infatuation,, agape;
SURPRISE: shock, astonishment, amazement, wonder;
DISGUST: contempt, disdain, scorn, abhorrence, aversion, distaste, revulsion;
SHAME: guilt, embarrassment, chagrin, remorse, humiliation, regret, mortification, and contrition.
OTHERS: Jealousy ( a blend of anger, sadness, and fear); Virtues: hope and faith, courage and forgiveness, certainty and equanimity; Vices: doubt, complacency, sloth and torpor- or boredom;
four specific facial expressions  (Fear, Anger, Sadness and Enjoyment ) are recognized by people  in cultures around the world.
Outer ripples are Moods which are more muted and last far longer than the emotion. Temperaments evoke a given mood or emotion making people timid or cheery. Disorders of emotion such as clinical depression or unremitting anxiety , someone feels perpetually trapped in a toxic state.
(From Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman; p331-333)

META-MESSAGE: II

This article is reproduced here with some modifications;

Meta-communication: What I Said Isn’t What I Meant

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

The truth is that people communicate all the time. It’s not possible to avoid it. When two people who want to be close to each other instead find themselves in constant turmoil, it is not because they aren’t communicating. Imagine the interchange happening between a young couple at the end of a long and tiring workday.

“How was your day?” he asks.
“Fine,” she says with a shrug and a sigh.

What happens next is critical to the growth and stability of the couple.
If the guy accepts the “fine” at face value and moves on, she’s likely to be hurt. She may even accuse him of not listening to her and not loving her enough. If he is tired himself and was only responding to the ordinary social exchange, he will feel unjustly accused and may protest his innocence – which will only make her mad enough to say some version of, “you’re not listening” or “you just never understand.” The ordinary question, “How was your day?” escalates into a fight with both members of the couple eventually pouting in their respective corners, each feeling right but also misunderstood and disconnected.
This is what’s called “metacommunication” in action. In the early 1970s, Gregory Bateson coined the term to describe the underlying messages in what we say and do. Metacommunication is all the nonverbal cues (tone of voice, body language, gestures, facial expression, etc.) that carry meaning that either enhance or disallow what we say in words. There’s a whole conversation going on beneath the surface.
In the case of our young couple: her “fine” with a shrug and a sigh is code for “I’ve had a miserable day. I need to talk to someone who loves me. Please give me a hug and a kiss and don’t ask much of me for a little bit while I unwind. How about a glass of wine?” If he is already pouring that wine and smiling at her sympathetically, she’ll melt into his arms. If he says, “I’m hungry. What’s for dinner?” they’re headed for a fight.
Couples that work are couples who take the time to learn each other’s nonverbal code as well as each other’s verbal language. Making the effort to truly understand the other’s meaning is one of the most significant acts of love. When both people put aside their defensiveness and work hard to get each other on the meta-level, the couple becomes more and more secure. Knowing how to interpret each other’s signals is the basis of trust and intimacy.
In the early years of a relationship, conversations about what was said versus what was meant can be frequent and can go into the wee hours of the morning. As a couple matures, these conversations are apt to happen less often and be less loaded but they are still important. Communication about what we mean by our communications is complicated. A new life stage, new experiences, or new information can subtly shift our meaning.

How To Learn Each Other’s Metacommunication

• Don’t assume that your partner means what you mean by the same words and phrases, gestures, or tone of voice. Each family has its own family code. You learned yours. Your partner learned his or hers. Each of you takes it for granted what some things mean. If your partner looks mystified, resist the temptation to get frustrated or judgmental. Instead, stop and ask what your partner heard. Explain what you meant by what you said.
• Don’t conclude your partner isn’t interested, doesn’t love you, or is a dolt when he or she doesn’t get what you mean. Trouble with each other’s codes doesn’t have to escalate to questioning the whole relationship.
• Do slow your conversation down. When people don’t understand each other, they tend to get anxious. When people get anxious, they tend to speed up. Instead, take a deep breath and ask your partner to say back what he or she thinks you meant. If they got it wrong, calmly and patiently clarify.
• Do listen with curiosity and interest. Explain yourself with caring. This isn’t a fight. It’s a lesson in each other’s language. Listening well doesn’t always come naturally, but don’t fret, listening is a skill you can learn.
• Do put aside defensiveness. When accused of not understanding, admit that it’s probably true. Ask for help in understanding your partner’s code.