Posts
Decisions and actions change from time to time according to individual's circumstances- conditioning according to environment, perception ( knowledge and understanding ) , experience , exposure , priorities and many other social, religious and economic factors; At every distinct stage of life when you evaluate and assess your past, you feel that you could have done this or you should have done that or you would have done a particular thing in some other way. Every sensible person may realize this kind of situation at various stages of life . It is quite normal for every person.In fact it just happens to be like that unknowingly because of our ignorance and negligence or being busy with different perspectives and priorities; do not think to give back something to them who so rightly deserve though never demand or expect anything from us. Even to day , I may not be knowing as what I am supposed to do. I wish if there are some standard guidelines available at the appropriate time to all of us in the society.
In my retirement when I look back at my past, I do realize that for my ignorance, negligence , inexperience or different priorities at particular time, I could not do certain things which I would have done. I would like to mention a few of my regrets of life here:
1. My maternal grandmother ( my nani ) was the person with whom I spent the core of my life , 1950 to 1955; I have separately written my thoughts about her. I can never forget for her care, and love for me. It appears to me now as she was born to take care of me and my other siblings. I owe to her. I can never be free from her debt she left on me. I regret that I could not do anything for her; She died too early , I was not even settled properly in my career and life. Perhaps, I was unable to realize, understand to do anything for her at that time.Certainly, whatever I would have done for her would have not been enough. I carry this regret every day with me.
2. My Mentor- My college Principal, Shri C S Sinha; We had special relationship, may be from our previous lives. He was very caring and loving person. He treated me like his own son. He gave away everything he had for the academic cause and the development of the College. He retired with nothing with him, any money, assets , house or any such thing as his savings to live in his retirement. I wonder as how he lived rest of the life. Once, in 1968 after a long break of time, he wrote me a letter mentioning his pitiable condition of living; living with only two sets of shirts and payajama and with meager earning by giving private tuition; further mentioned that families where he goes to give tuition, taunt behind his back that what kind of MA( London ) and DIC , he is ? and what kind of Principal he was as he was observed wearing only two sets of cloths for long time and that too not properly washed and ironed; He requested me to send Rs.50/- so that he may get another set of cloths. I did sent him Rs. 100/ instead of Rs.50/- but never asked again if he needed my help in any way. I should have asked him again and again if he needed my help. There was no body to support him in his old age. I do not know as he passed his last day of life. I feel utterly regret about my negligence in this regard.
3. My father; My father died as a pauper leaving almost nothing behind; a few cloths, no money rather some debt; died because of poor health; I have seen him in real miserable situations having nothing with him. When he died, I could not cry but felt guilty that I did not take care of my father especially about his health mainly due to his financial bankruptcy. I took care of his responsibility like education of my younger brothers; marriage of my sisters especially almost 100% of my youngest sister Rajo but could not take care for his personal health and other aspects. I would have done it as my own responsibility though my brothers who were also well -to-do could have shared some of it. They simply did not care or thought about.
4. My Grandmother- mother of Om Prakash (OMI) and Krishan Kumar; She was poorest of us; I saw her living only with a few dirty and most used cloths even on festivities also, she did not have some thing nice to wear. Though at times, I helped her financially but why I could not help her materially with small things like some new saries or even some good used ones. Sushma shares my regret that why we could not think in this direction. Now when we feel to help others even the strangers, why at that time, we could not think about the people who were so near to us.she loved me the most and expected a lot from me .Time has gone; She has also gone and now what is the use to think about it.
5. My neighbours like Shri Ram Narain, Shri Gharib Das, who were so loving and caring for me. I never thought anything to do for them; they have been haunting me every day since long; I wonder why such thought of doing something did not come to me when they were alive and I was in a position to do something for them. They had no body of their to take care or to do any thing for them. So lonely and uncared by the society. At least some small gifts or a gesture . They would have been so happy even for the smallest gift for them.
6. Others; There are people they love us and care for us without expecting anything; During our active life, we simply forget to think about them; NARAIN is one who comes to my mind, our block servant in Braucha Hostel, BHU; was so affectionate and caring that without even my noticing , he will take care of my personal things, cleaning the room, washing the room, giving cloths to washer man etc; reminding to get up early in the morning; I remember one of his typical comment: " Sahib Uthiye,nahi tau exam ke time par rikshaw mangwai " : Sorry about him; I did nothing for him like most students who might have not done also anything for him; Students after leaving the hostel, just forget them. Master SHIV PRASAD; my childhood teacher in Chandpur , very strict ; used to even beat me on my fingers but bent upon that I must learn; I used to take tuition with him at home as well as in his small place where he used to teach some other children also; I very often remember him for his personal interest in me though it was there for all his students. Why should I have forgotten him through out my life and remember him now in retirement. I owe to him as I did not do anything in return for him. I am seriously thinking to initiate a scholarship in his name for primary school children in Chandpur.
In my retirement when I look back at my past, I do realize that for my ignorance, negligence , inexperience or different priorities at particular time, I could not do certain things which I would have done. I would like to mention a few of my regrets of life here:
1. My maternal grandmother ( my nani ) was the person with whom I spent the core of my life , 1950 to 1955; I have separately written my thoughts about her. I can never forget for her care, and love for me. It appears to me now as she was born to take care of me and my other siblings. I owe to her. I can never be free from her debt she left on me. I regret that I could not do anything for her; She died too early , I was not even settled properly in my career and life. Perhaps, I was unable to realize, understand to do anything for her at that time.Certainly, whatever I would have done for her would have not been enough. I carry this regret every day with me.
2. My Mentor- My college Principal, Shri C S Sinha; We had special relationship, may be from our previous lives. He was very caring and loving person. He treated me like his own son. He gave away everything he had for the academic cause and the development of the College. He retired with nothing with him, any money, assets , house or any such thing as his savings to live in his retirement. I wonder as how he lived rest of the life. Once, in 1968 after a long break of time, he wrote me a letter mentioning his pitiable condition of living; living with only two sets of shirts and payajama and with meager earning by giving private tuition; further mentioned that families where he goes to give tuition, taunt behind his back that what kind of MA( London ) and DIC , he is ? and what kind of Principal he was as he was observed wearing only two sets of cloths for long time and that too not properly washed and ironed; He requested me to send Rs.50/- so that he may get another set of cloths. I did sent him Rs. 100/ instead of Rs.50/- but never asked again if he needed my help in any way. I should have asked him again and again if he needed my help. There was no body to support him in his old age. I do not know as he passed his last day of life. I feel utterly regret about my negligence in this regard.
3. My father; My father died as a pauper leaving almost nothing behind; a few cloths, no money rather some debt; died because of poor health; I have seen him in real miserable situations having nothing with him. When he died, I could not cry but felt guilty that I did not take care of my father especially about his health mainly due to his financial bankruptcy. I took care of his responsibility like education of my younger brothers; marriage of my sisters especially almost 100% of my youngest sister Rajo but could not take care for his personal health and other aspects. I would have done it as my own responsibility though my brothers who were also well -to-do could have shared some of it. They simply did not care or thought about.
4. My Grandmother- mother of Om Prakash (OMI) and Krishan Kumar; She was poorest of us; I saw her living only with a few dirty and most used cloths even on festivities also, she did not have some thing nice to wear. Though at times, I helped her financially but why I could not help her materially with small things like some new saries or even some good used ones. Sushma shares my regret that why we could not think in this direction. Now when we feel to help others even the strangers, why at that time, we could not think about the people who were so near to us.she loved me the most and expected a lot from me .Time has gone; She has also gone and now what is the use to think about it.
5. My neighbours like Shri Ram Narain, Shri Gharib Das, who were so loving and caring for me. I never thought anything to do for them; they have been haunting me every day since long; I wonder why such thought of doing something did not come to me when they were alive and I was in a position to do something for them. They had no body of their to take care or to do any thing for them. So lonely and uncared by the society. At least some small gifts or a gesture . They would have been so happy even for the smallest gift for them.
6. Others; There are people they love us and care for us without expecting anything; During our active life, we simply forget to think about them; NARAIN is one who comes to my mind, our block servant in Braucha Hostel, BHU; was so affectionate and caring that without even my noticing , he will take care of my personal things, cleaning the room, washing the room, giving cloths to washer man etc; reminding to get up early in the morning; I remember one of his typical comment: " Sahib Uthiye,nahi tau exam ke time par rikshaw mangwai " : Sorry about him; I did nothing for him like most students who might have not done also anything for him; Students after leaving the hostel, just forget them. Master SHIV PRASAD; my childhood teacher in Chandpur , very strict ; used to even beat me on my fingers but bent upon that I must learn; I used to take tuition with him at home as well as in his small place where he used to teach some other children also; I very often remember him for his personal interest in me though it was there for all his students. Why should I have forgotten him through out my life and remember him now in retirement. I owe to him as I did not do anything in return for him. I am seriously thinking to initiate a scholarship in his name for primary school children in Chandpur.
No comments:
Post a Comment